there are few things in this life that are as splendidly transcendent, as pure and utterly sublime in its existence, as representative of the very essence all that is beauty and goodness in this world as this one picture:

Highlighted for your convenience, note the majestic way the brilliant yellow rises sharply, like a sudden godsend, like a great lemony colossus shattering the iron-padded boxes that had formerly contained my scheduled, shuffling death, shift by soul-crushing shift. imagine now, that this yellow wave stretches out before you in an endless expanse, glory in a glittering sea of cadmium freedom. box after box after box; onward into infinity.
May 2nd is when i began my maternity leave. (read: quit my job) In honor, i have collected here a humble tribute with just a few of the entries in which i profess my loathing for my work:

gratuit-tize

Sewer south pacific: an argument for booster shots

as nina Simone says, “i’ve been workin’, and workin’ but i still have so terribly far to go”

fun with camera phones

no surprises here

long time no see, sailor

undercover on the food-service industry: part 2

you thought you had enough things to be self conscious about

the manditory exchange: professional

buzzz

Maternity leave was not exactly as i had expected it to be. I had envisioned a super-awesome free vacation in which i would finished everything i had ever started in my entire life but had never had time for. i would wake up each morning and play my guitar in my pajamas and sing until my throat got sore. i would meditate and work-out. i would take long, hot baths and complete all the half-read books collecting dust on my book shelf. i would draw until late in the evening, churning out comic after award-winning comic. i would then spend the rest of the night engaged in intellectual pursuits, learning spanish, updating my journal (HA!), writing long-owed letters to friends, teaching myself AfterEffects, etc, or just “nesting” through various martha stewart-esque home improvement projects and knitting. (yes, i actually knit now. i thought it seemed appropriate, considering the circumstances. and apart from yelling “GODDAMNHELLFUCK” slightly more than the average knitter, i think it makes me seem very “domestic.” another interesting note: this is actually the way i curse.)
and i must say, i came very close to doing all these things, but at the last minute, i decided to sleep instead. a lot. pretty much for nine months. as far as pregnancy symptoms go, you hear a great deal about morning sickness, which i never really experienced. No one tells you about the all-consuming exhaustion, the complete and blanketing fatigue. the kind that seeps like poison into your bones and weighs on your very soul.
(another thing that “they” don’t tell you is that pregnancy lasts TEN MONTHS! not nine. do the math: full term pregnancy is 40 weeks ÷ 4 weeks in a month = TEN MONTHS!!!!)
when i wasn’t sleeping, i was spending much of my time being very, very uncomfortable. when i had imagined being pregnant, i thought i would be me but with a great big belly tacked on the front.
it had never really occurred to me that i would not be able to put on my own socks. for anyone wondering, you feel solid, like someone had filled your middle with sawdust. and towards the end, nothing feels good.
you can’t sit.
it hurts.
you can’t stand.
it hurts.
you can’t sleep.
and on and on.
it had boiled down to the only enjoyable activities on earth being bathing and driving down large hills. and i had a relatively easy pregnancy.
so after all this, what kept me going was the thought “once the baby comes i’ll have all the free time in the world.”
i know.
you are all laughing.
i know that’s just inviting trouble. its like saying “what could possibly go wrong?” or like in horror movies when someone says “Guys? All right, you can come out now. Hey guys, this isn’t funny.”
i mean, i wasn’t completely naive. i didn’t think i would have a perfect silent accessory of a child who would match my outfit and take good photographs. but i did believe that i would have two or three hours when the little tike was quietly napping to steal away and draw or piss around on the computer. or at the very least be able to brush my teeth.
let me say that our little guy is really good natured as far as they go. he rarely cries, but that is mostly because we never put him down. as long as he’s in someone’s arms he’s pleased as punch, but he could be in a dead sleep, i’ll set him in his crib and in five minutes he’s doing something we call “gurping,” a prelude to crying. so we’re sort of forced into attachment parenting which is cool, but it has involved me watching a lot of daytime tv and eating with my right hand. (fyi: i’m left handed) i’ve really embraced domestic life. (see above knitting aside) i’ve added Oprah and Judge Alex to my list of daily viewing and its only a matter of time before i turn to soap operas. sad but inevitable. its only in the last couple days that i learned how i can get away with hanging out on the computer with him, which will revolutionize my life or at least cause me to watch less “Divorce Court”. so all of you out in computer-land have to forgive me for not commenting on your journals like a good internet friend should. but i HAVE been keeping up with all of your journals. except the boring ones. JOKING! only joking…….i read the boring ones too;) i have a lot of catching up to do. here are some comments that i had wanted to make, but never had the opportunity:
1.) i totally agree!
2.) i disagree
3.) that’s awesome!
4.) that totally sucks
5.) yeah, try drawing a blueberry in a lab coat then talk to me about hard. (you see its hard to put clothes on something thats totally round)

but, all in all, motherhood is rad (i think june cleaver originally said that.) Soda’s just learned to smile these great big, dopy, gum-filled baby smiles and when he’s clean he has this ultra-sonic baby smell that compels mama’s to sniff babies. (i’m not the only one, i swear!)
when he’s dirty, he smells like cheese.