if i could erase one song off the face of the earth it would be “Love Shack.” the world would go on much as before. wedding receptions would still have “Brick House” and “Celebration.” i just think that the collective consciousness of mankind would breath a tiny sigh of relief and the world would somehow feel just a fraction of an atom lighter just knowing that no one anywhere would have to hear some drunk girl shout “tin roof rusted!” ever again.

that would be the platform under which i would run if i ever decided to seek the office of “president of da earth.” (don’t worry. i wouldn’t let my P.R. agent bill it under some cheesy sound bite like “erratum for ‘Shack Attack’” ) also as another order of business, i would make sure that there would be more clearly posted signs at the edges of the earth. perhaps some fencing of some kind or a few those sassy orange cones that you see so much these days. its surprisingly easy to fall off.

i suppose by now you’ve noticed that i have been missing for, oh, three-four months or so. in my absence, i have taken up a new hobby: sleeping. it turns out that i am an INCREDIBLE sleeper. really. i hesitate to use the word “genius,” or “touched by the very hand of god himself,” but i am making some major advances in the world of shut-eye.
now, i’m sure a few of you novices dabble clumsily at what you consider slumber. i think its all very cute. 6-8 hour nap. but i’ve really decided to throw my all into this and have spent the vast majority of october-december asleep. i am a bit behind on all my basic housekeeping duties. all my plants are dead but its ok because there are new and exciting things growing in the sink.
i’m sure you all wonder how all this is medically possible. fair question. in the interest of raising public health awareness i have prepared a highly advanced and technical chart illustrating the intricacies of my condition.